USE OF FOOD WITHOUT SUBSEQUENT YEAST INFECTION
The Cliche: Because sex isn’t nearly interesting enough on its own, our adventurous leads waste bushels of berries, syrups and milks of varying percentages in the name of horny sensuality.
The Reality: There are children in Africa who would kill to be adopted by either actor. The rest of us don’t like to dig jalapeño cheddar out of our chassis.
Offenders: 9 1/2 Weeks, Varsity Blues
Are you a movie snob? Because we’re here to help. If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, we recommend watching Bruce Willis’ 1997 epic Armageddon and drinking a bathtub of margaritas.
4. You hate every movie you see
Not only do you hate most movies, but you hate them intensely, as if the movies themselves killed your father. George Lucas didn’t personally create the character of Jar-Jar Binks specifically to ruin your childhood, you know. Sometimes, when you rage, you look like The Hulk with a beret.
5. You Went To Film School
That’s not anyone’s fault but your own. Don’t take it out on us.
6. You have a 10,000 word blog piece about Synecdoche, New York
Is it really that good a movie? Isn’t Synecdoche, New York just a fascinating failure that proves Michel Gondry should direct every Charlie Kaufman movie? Don’t have an aneurysm, this is just an opinion. Opinions are disposable, like potato chips.
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