PREMIERE

YOU NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST HORROR MOVIE —

Some goose bumps never go away. The very first horror flick I ever saw was a lurid stinker about werewolves named The Howling. It is a terrible movie. But don’t tell that to my twelve-year old self. That little guy revered it. My memory of The Howling is vivid. That silly boob-and-blood B-movie bit me. I remember bubbling skin, bared fangs, and naked women. The latter was a revelation. In The Howling, there’s a vampy lady werewolf who takes it all off. Watching that scene was like watching a preview of my own adolescence. Here was the reason I would, very soon, go through my own transformation from hairless cub to hirsute wolf.

HOW TO DIE IN A HORROR MOVIE: Ending it all is easy when your life is lousy with machete-wielding maniacs.

DO DRUGS

Horror movies have done more to police morality than the Bible, the Koran and Gary Busey combined. Ignore them all and huff crystalline amphetajuana until your eyes walk off the job. Someone with a large cleaver or axe will find you. For Example: Halloween, Sleepaway Camp 2

BE A MINORITY

If you’re an African-American, you were probably marked for death the moment you returned to the haunted hotel. One way to stop being chased by malevolent forces beyond your control is to be born some kind of minority. Horror movies don’t really discriminate. If you’re a minority and pining for the sweet release of death, just stand behind the jock or the computer geek and wait your turn. It’ll all be over soon. For Example: Gremlins, The Shining, Ghost Ship, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

GET NAKED

You’ll probably want to be dead and stinking long before you can even meet the insufferable cheerleader character. Go on, treat yourself to a nice, long shower. Work up a lather with a fruit-infused shampoo and exfoliate with a loofa. Relax. Mute killers lurvvve bathtime. For Example: Psycho, Jack Frost, Sorority Row, Friday the 13th Part 4

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